I came to the conclusion that I do, in fact, want to save some of the taglines I’ve put on the website.
DISCLAIMER: These quotes come from all over the place. Many of them are from relatively popular media, and those should be wrapped in quote marks as long as I’ve been paying attention. Some of them are my own turn of phrase. They are not intended to be relevant to the content of the blog. Excessively long disclaimers are a threat to the popularity and acceptance of your creative works.
1. YOU DO NOT BANDAGE A WOUND WITH A LIVE GRENADE.
2. The runtime of the madeline cookie scene in Swann’s Way is O(n log n).
3. Hey, sexy lady, all that concealer you’re wearing won’t conceal the fact you’re a dumbass…
4. Curses! I’ve been sighted again!
5. What did the Johnny Poplover say at the piano concert? “When do they start singing?”
6. LESLIE GORE IS BRUTAL! IT MAKES CANNIBAL CORPSE LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF SOFT ROCKERS!
7. Me? I’m an anti-hipster. I buy obscure, random stuff, ignore it, and claim I only own it “ironically”. Then, when nobody’s looking, I sell it on eBay.
8. Babarface: The World Is Yours. Coming in 2013.
9. Some metal, some of the time. That’s so assertive, it’s arousing.
10. If an apple falls on Newton’s head in the forest, does it make a sound?
11. What do you call a doctor that also does stand-up comedy? Spinefeld.
12. Because witches and magicians don’t know HTML and CSS.
13. Am I the only person who finds the idea of a human infesting a headcrab amusing?
14. Pa! Come quick! The elephant got drunk on tea again!
15. What’s it called when slimes gossip about each other? Viscous rumors.
16. “The youth of America today is so wonderful… And I’m proud to be a part of this gigantic mass deception.”
17. You’re more likely to get shampoo than you are to get laid.
18. “It’s groin-grabbingly transcendent!”
19. How many feet does a chicken have? 15; 2 on its body, and 13 because humor relies on subverting your expectations.
20. Hah! Your expensive duped Enigmas are no match for my El Rune Aura!
21. “Hey, sexy mama. Want to kill all humans?”
22. “Good lord! The rod up that man’s butt must have a rod up it’s butt!”
23. “The big brain am winning again! I am the greetest! Now I am leaving the Earth for no raisin!”
24. “Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz.”
25. I’m so refined and classy that I drink champagne out of a monocle.
26. “Pie will explode at high temperatures. Especially if there’s a bomb inside.”
27. Not even Like Subscribewalker could increase the popularity of Lucasfilm’s Youtube channel.
28. Wow! The chainsaw I was looking for was in my heart all along! Wait, what-
29. “Norna borna corna dorna fiord cajorda ha ha ha!”
30. “Mr. Worf, you’re no fun at all!” “Good.”
31. “If you stay here too long, you’ll end up frying your brain, yes you will… no, you will not, yesno you will won’t!”
32. Your Majesty, the Papal Controller has arranged to have your log flume excommunicated!
33. “I know that in the real world I can successfully pick up a broken piece of mirror without dying.”
34. “I’m rubber. You’re rubber. We contemplate the reality of our existence in mute, vulcanized horror.”
35. Robot Fight Club rule #1: A robot may not talk about Fight Club, or through inaction, allow discussion of Fight Club.
36. And then Walter White went Super Saiyan and cooked a batch of meth that was 120% pure.
37. God, can’t you make it louder? I want yak farmers in Bhutan to cower in fear when I listen to my tunes!
38. I once had an octagon for lunch. It was eschewy.
39. “Dear subscriber, you are registered as a participant in a mass disturbance.”
40. A few unlucky billionaires may have to go without sixty-foot tall gold-plated fire-breathing prostitutes if current economic trends keep up.
41. Oh, that cartoon? It might be a bit corny, but I think it sends a very positive and inspirational message of “BUY MY CEREAL”.
43. Yo yo yo, I got prescrizzies in the flibbity flabbity floo! Major shout outs to my homies at Glaxo Smith Kline!
44. Your ISP may deliberately slow your access to Invisible Blog for any reason, especially if you haven’t paid them your protection money.
45. Adolf Hatler was the most despicable haberdasher to ever live.
46. “Frankly, I know a LOT about sex,” she said, her curves subtly shifting to represent the changing tastes of the 18-34 male demographic.
47. “I’m afraid your darkness quotient isn’t sufficient enough for me to bother talking to you any further. Move along, please.”
48. “It’s not important! It’s not what they say in The Guardian!”
49. Justice has been delivered! There will be a $2 delivery fee.
50. Thank you, Mario! But the Princess was recently overthrown in a republican coup!
51. I don’t remember the part where George Washington immersed himself in mashed potatoes.
52. Silence will fall when the question is asked – “Do you want fries with that?”
53. This Christmas, give them the gift… of Norse paganism!
54. The best approach to making music for a video game is to take hundreds of popular songs, and then input their lyrics into a dodgy speech synthesizer.
55. Unfortunately, the Ping dynasty timed out before they could connect to the Forbidden City.
56. What’s your favorite religion? Mine is Captain Crunch.
57. Captain Kingdom! He’s a hero! … he used to be a planet before elective gavelkind kicked in.
58. Your actions have pleased me, and that offends me.
60. Being 12 years old doesn’t make you a real thug.
61. I demand only the strictest disloyalty and treachery from my enemies.
62. “Oh, this will be great for my grandchildren! They need hip cool music, but with inspirational lyrics.”
63. A couple of margaritas will make you marketably quirky.
64. Anything small and cute is, by definition, pure evil.
65. HOW WILL YOU KNOW THAT YOUR OPPONENT IS A SKELETON IF NOBODY IS PLAYING XYLOPHONE IN THE BACKGROUND!?
66. Once we develop immortality, it will become a worse sin to offend someone than to murder them.
67. Smuckers’ initial foray into the hip hop world (“Straight Outta Pectin”) met with lukewarm reception at best.
68. You can’t NOT have a gun turret installed on your car! What if there’s a traffic jam?
69. Legolas! What do your elf ears see?
70. This is AMERICA, and I’ll be damned if someone tries to take my freedom of breakfast cereal!
71. All hail Deus Vultron, defender of the faithful universe! Form feet and legs, form arms and body, and I’ll form the Holy Spirit! #JustExcommunicated
72. The thing about an exploding vacuum is that it both sucks… and it also sucks.
73. Good lord! Douglas Crockford is giving me the eval() eye!
74. You know, Scrooge McDuck supposedly has four nephews, but I haven’t seen Kablooie in a while…
75. I can’t stop popping pills! The pharmaceutical industries would collapse if I even considered it!
76. Could someone please close the window? It’s destroying our civilization as we speak.
77. Please don’t call it a Sarlacc. We prefer the term “low income housing”.
78. Unexpected semicolon at line 539. Initiating global thermonuclear war.
79. As long as we have fried Coke, we’ll certainly need socialized healthcare.