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Bad Ideas #17: Good Ideas #4: Art Bounties

This feature is back on the advice of one of my buddies who told me something along the lines of, “I can’t stand that gosh-accursed metal music, but I love it when you put silly captions on pictures!”. Classy fellow.

Through the magic of tangents (thanks, trig!), I eventually found myself thinking about the various bad ideas I’d posted throughout this blog’s lifetime, and thinking that I wanted to see some of these illustrated. With that in mind, here are a couple that some day, in the future, I might PAY to have illustrated.

161. Ikaaae, Zeanly, and Pigpog, the three demons of Super Mario Bros corruption
Introduce these three impish fellows to your Game Genie™, and let the fun begin as you glitch your way through over 90% of the game!
162. JPEG Warrior
Bowto th mbster of losiness!(This slogan wuz compresed wit JPEG lg0rithms)
163. Optimus Prime rib
Abbatoirbots, assemble!
164. GNU Image Manipulation Program suit
It has to be durable, especially around the… sleeves. And it also has to be open source.
165. A free hotel with every purchase of $50 or more
“Boss, aren’t you worried this might cause a lot of inflation in the long term?” “Eh, that just means people will spend more of their money here.”
166. Mario and Sonic Are Surrounded By Death at The Olympic Games
“Are you sure the Badnik toss was a good choice for an event?” “Hey, you didn’t complain about the Goomba stomp.”
167. 343 Guilty Spork
“Oh dear. This soup… it’s like a Flood to my senses!”
168. Glenn Quackmire
“Who else but Quackmire? Giggity.”
169. Dive Man’s Day Off
Hey, Cameron. If we played by the rules, Rock wouldn’t be in Wily Stage Two by now.
170. A machine that juxtaposes random concepts to make horrific abominations
Oh… you’ve figured me out! You look nice. How’s the weather where you come from?
Now that I think of it, a lot of older Bad Ideas installments are rife with opportunities for illustration. Maybe I can art-bounty those too.

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Pickup Lines That (Probably) Won’t Work #14 – Metal Edition

This has been planned for a while, but Pickup Lines That (Probably) Won’t Work is no longer going to be a monthly feature. Matt “GrandDracolich” claims that it’s getting increasingly hard to come up with “good” ones (for the definition of good we’re using). But it was a good run – over a year, in fact. I thought I might pay my respects by attempting some bad pickup lines myself. If you’ve been paying attention to the title, you’ll note that these relate to heavy metal music.

131. Hey, baby, I’ve got some Diamond Head downstairs if you care to take a look.
132. You can play my power chord any day.
You look like the kind of person who’s more into monophonic tremelo riffing.
133. Would you be my Morbid Angel for 20 bucks?
134. Your ass is bigger than Nightwish’s backing orchestra!
Your dick is smaller than Cryptopsy’s record sales after they released “The Unspoken King”!
135. Want to ride the midnight meat train?
136. I sure wouldn’t try to escape if we were both trapped under ice.
137. I bet I can satisfy your Transylvanian hunger.
138. When I’m done with you, you’ll be far beyond driven.
That sounds like an awfully vulgar display of power.
139. I tried calling the number of the beast, but all I got was you.
140. What say you and I go back to my place and do it until the house goes up in flames, and we feel a sense of dark tranquility?
These are awfully silly, but that’s… kind of the point. Anyways, there might be more of these in the future, but they’re no longer a monthly guarantee.

Pickup Lines That (Probably) Won’t Work #13 – Dwarf Fortress Edition

Dwarf Fortress is available from its official website. Why aren’t you playing it? Afraid of what the giant badgers might do to you?

Our friend Matt “GrandDracolich” continues to have an internet presence through here and his blog. There’s also his Youtube channel… but you can reach that through his blog. Might as well take the scenic route, anyways. While you’re at it, check out the previous installment, which insists it’s a jack of all trades.

121. Are you a Kobold? ‘Cause you stole my heart.
122. Hey baby, wanna become a Legendary Woodworker?
123. You’re hotter than my magma furnace.
124. Dude cancels drink: Interrupted by hot girl.
Dude cancels clean self: Too insane.
125. You’re so well-sculpted, all craftdwarfship is of the highest quality.
I menace with spikes of steel and leather!
126. I’m a trained speardwarf.
127. Hey baby, are you an elven diplomat? Because you seem really concerned with the wood around here.
128. Hey baby, my room finally has a bed after four years.
129.You’re giving me a strange mood.
130. I must be training my mining skill, ’cause I really dig you!
Did you just break the fort’s cistern? We’re all going to die now!
The author says he discovered these lines in an eerie cavern. The air above its dark stone floor was alive with vortices of purple light and dark, boiling clouds. Seemingly bottomless pits marked the surface. If it weren’t for all the heavy metal I listen to and review, I’d say that’s why I’ve been hearing horrifying screams recently.

 

Pickup Lines That (Probably) Won’t Work #12

After the topicality of the last, holiday themed installment (which was intentionally released on Valentine’s Day), it’s back to the kitchen sink of lines, of sorts. Pickup artists probably have better things to do than use these lines, but then again they have better things to do than be pickup artists… usually. As usual, lines are contributed by Matt “GrandDracolich“, who recently got back from playing Planetside II, according to his Steam profile. If you find out what the URL of it is, it’ll probably be from him.
111. I have about twelve hours before I have to go back to the hospital, so how about we make the most of it?
112. IMHOTEP!
113. Hey there everyone, this is Raocow!
This person has been removed due to a copyright claim from Viacom Ltd.
114. Girl, your fingers look like tentacles!
115. I had a dream about you last night. You’re even cuter in person.
116. Are you made of asbestos? ‘Cause you’re making me all itchy and short of breath.
Dude, you’re on fire!” “I know, that’s like the fourth chick I’ve scored with tonight!”
117. Hey baby, I have six eyes, so I can still have depth perception when I wink at you.
118. Can I pick you up?
119. Are you the sun? ‘Cause looking straight at you is pretty painful.
Are you a dead fish? ‘Cause sniffing you is pretty painful.
120. Do you like spiders? I really like spiders. Wanna come see my spiders?
There is some interesting “negging” going on here, although for insulting a lady, Shakespeare reached far greater heights in “My mistress’ eyes…” …even though he had to save himself by cramming in some compliments at the end. It’ll be interesting if our author finishes the much rumored Shakespearean edition.

Pickup Lines That (Probably) Won’t Work #11 – Holiday Edition

You know, it’s probably worth mentioning that most of these pickup lines are produced slowly and gradually, at a rate that so far has exceeded 10 a month. On the other hand, our author Matt “GrandDracolich” (ghastly as his name is) decided impulsively to make this installment a few days ago, and it produced results rather quickly. What’s the occasion, you might ask? Please note the day which this was posted. You could also check out the previous installments – the last one had no specific theme.

101. Hey baby, wanna go out with me the day after Valentine’s Day, when everything’s a lot cheaper?
102. Wanna be my ho ho ho?
Sorry, but I’ve already got myself a twinkie kid.
103. Looks like a happy new rear!
104. It’s President’s Day! Know how many presidents had mistresses?
105. Are you one of Santa’s elves? ‘Cause you’re short and your ears look weird.
106. I have a dream, and you’re in it.
Hey, I’ve had that same dream too! I always end up devouring you alive, for some reason.
107. Wanna give me something to be thankful for, today?
108. If I pinch you, it’s because you’re not wearing green.
If I punch you, it’s because I saw a Volkswagen Beatle.
109. Hey baby, you know what I love? Not being alone on Valentine’s Day.
110. I came up with a new holiday. You go out with me, and I celebrate that date every year.

Sure, today is Valentine’s day… but what about tomorrow? What about the day after that? We only have enough love to last us until April unless we start rationing it out right now! And don’t get me started on candy hearts.

Pickup Lines That (Probably) Won’t Work #10

First installment of 2013. That’s got to mean something besides an arbitrary milestone, right? …

Nah. To meditate on the periodic nature of this feature, check out the last installment, which focused on Dungeons and Dragons related lines. To wonder what might possess a person to use these… use your head, but if you’re interested in reading the opinions of Matt “GrandDracolich” (this perpetual feature’s author) on game design, check out his blog.

91. Can I borrow your liver?
For the last time, no! (Oops.)
92. Doctor recently told me that I’m finally human.
A human that wants to date a robot. DOES NOT COMPUTE.
93. How ’bout I come over to your place tonight? I have to lay low so this girl’s husband’ll stop looking for me.
That’s it, I’m filing for divorce.
94. I’ve got a flu, and I’d loooove to give it to you!
95. I have multiple certifications, and none of them good.
96. Yo’ mamma’s so fat… Wait, wrong cliché. Can I start over?
97. I’d show you my snail impression, but it could seriously hurt you.
98. Are you an auctioneer? ‘Cause I’m sold on your lot.
99. A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar, you’re pretty hot.
100. Hey baby, who has two thumbs and a really lame pickup line? This guy!
Yeah, could you hold that out for a second? …Not anymore you don’t.
Most important thing you’ll read all year? I doubt it, but I’m sure the publication most relevant to this year won’t be from a previous year.

Pickup Lines That (Probably) Won’t Work #9 – Dungeons and Dragons Edition

Matt “GrandDracolich” has indicated a significant interest in tabletop gaming and Forgotten Realms (a popular Dungeons and Dragons campaign setting) in the past. His Let’s Play channel, in fact, contains significant amounts of gameplay footage from Baldur’s Gate, he occasionally mentions the series on his blog, and he decided to post ten related pickup lines as part of his monthly obligation. The most recent (unthemed) installment can be read here.

81. Did you roll 5d8 for Charisma?
No, man! Charisma’s my dump stat. Want to see my Dexterity score?
82. Want me to Lay On Hands?
83. I have Enlarge Person memorized.
Like you’re going to cast it successfully in all that heavy armor.
84. You must’ve taken the Great Cleave feat.
85. I bet you’re a fun, random encounter!
86. You must have really poor armor class, ’cause I’d hit that!
87. How about you fail a few grapple checks so I can pin you?
88. I rolled a natural 1 on my Will save against your Charm Person.
Would you be willing to give me all of your money so I can invest it for you?
89. Hey baby, I hope you have a low Fortitude save.
90. That looks like a nice penalty to your Hide check.
To be honest, I always preferred the more streamlined, console flavored RPGs… with the exception of roguelikes. My gaming preferences can be pretty odd sometimes.