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Bad Ideas #20 – Music Edition

This probably takes the record for “Bad Ideas installment that took the longest to cook”. The food themed edition, by comparison, didn’t take nearly as long!

191. Radical Islamic guitar solo
Where’s the mufti? I gotta tell him that “The Twelve Imams” would be a great name for a band.
192. 12 minute extended disco version of “Also Sprach Zarathustra”
We should’ve stuck with “Disco Duck”. Oh well! Let’s have the local radio station play that 50 times in a row.
193. Fartwave in smellovision
The only reason people care about electronic body noise music is that they don’t have to stick their noses in it.
194. UAV drone doom
Predator missiles might sound cool when slowed down, but then they miss their targets and fall out of the sky.
195. Imperial March of the Lollipop Guild
Alternatively: “We Represent A Mafia Don”
196. Gangsta-ass square dancing
Stop! … promenade time!
197. JPEGwave
I t ok a pict r of tis songs wavef rm and it snds s0 amazin’ and i am go1n to upl ad it to 9GAG
198. Folk speedcore
Seriously, though, have you ever heard a “speedcore” song that actually had content between the samples?
199. Skaldic ska
I just cheated you out of an actual joke here by observing that I’m morbidly curious about what some of these bad ideas for music would sound like.
200. Protoss power metal
YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL GUITAR SOLOS, EXECUTOR.

If these ideas were food, you’d have died of starvation long ago, but these should keep you going at least for the next 40 seconds or so.

Bad Ideas #19: “Leaked” Doctor Who Episodes

Doctor_Who_July_2014Sure, this is a bit more niche than usual, but so are many of the other Bad Ideas. Anyways, I came upon some… uh… leaked information about the upcoming 9th season, presumably starring Peter Capaldi and not a doppleganger or clone or android or CGI representation. I assure you these are not just made up – a great deal of thought and effort must’ve went into these episodes.

180-A*. The Doctor faces off against a monster that devours the concept of hygiene; can he defeat it before Clara abandons him for smelling bad?

“What? No! A sonic screwdriver doesn’t have a ‘shower’ setting!”

181. The Daleks try to take over the Earth through vaudeville.

Featuring selections from “I’m Just Wild About Skaros”, and the comedy stylings of Sec, Thay, Jast, and Khan.

182. Russell T. Davies tries to destroy the Doctor Who omniverse, and the only way to stop it is for Clara to bake the perfect souffle.

When five-ish doctors aren’t enough, try a cook!

183. The Doctor becomes obsessed with the grand strategy games of Paradox Development Studio.

“How could one game contain so much potential for malice, hatred, and regicide?” “Was it developed by Silurians?” “No, you fool! Silurians have a penalty to intrigue!”

184. A company from the alternate universe introduced in Season 2 introduces Cyberman easter bunnies in both normal and white chocolate. Only $9.99!

UPGRADING TO GOOD FRIDAY IS COMPULSORY.

185. The Doctor vs Steve Balmer

What happens when you try to upgrade your TARDIS from Windows XP?

186. Davros baked some cookies. They’re dalektable!
Suggested by the owner of the Nullsphere.

187. The Doctor helps a Falapazaxaganican mow his lawn until he learns the grass is not only sentient, but the only nukeball team in the universe capable of defending Falapazaxaganicus Prime from the Judoon. This is a two part episode.

“You do realize that whether or not you win or lose, much of your planet will likely be ravaged, right?” “So po flo bo kno!”

188. A “bottle” episode where the Doctor prepares his lunch.

The Doctor just ran out of Time Lord tumeric, and the preparation methods have been lost to… well… the Time War. Will he have to use inferior Sontaran tumeric, which is like a war with your taste buds?

189. A semi-sequel to The Doctor vs Steve Balmer, where the Doctor tries to figure out why the Xbox One is popping up on every inhabitant planet in the space-time continuum.

“Look, Danny, I know you wanted to play the latest football title, but pretty much every alien within ten million light years prefers cricket.”

190. In the two-part season finale, rabid fans of earlier seasons try to rewrite the Doctor Who universe to their own specifications and accidentally turn it into the “perfect” souffle Clara baked earlier in the season.

He wanted Paul McGann to return to Doctor Who so badly, that he wrote a fan script and submitted it to the BBC. Moffat, in all his wisdom and folly, decided to film it. Little did they know that Paul McGann was the one who set it all in action…

Overall, I expect the upcoming season to maintain the same standards for scientific rigor and thought provoking commentary that previous seasons of the revived series have established. Maybe this season will see the return of the much-beloved Abzorbaloff?

*I goofed and accidentally made up 11 plots for this installment. Instead of deleting one, you get a freebie.

Bad Ideas #18: Good Ideas #5: Game Mashups #2: Subtitles All The Way Down

An occasional dosage of “bad ideas”… or good ideas comes in handy occasionally… although a lot of people seem to want more, and more, and ever more until you can never satiate the beast that drives them! Uh, I mean… you can read the previous installment here.

171. Crusader King’s Quest V

CEDRIC: “Save me, Graham!”
KING GRAHAM: “I can’t! My sled and a custard pie formed a faction to lower Crown Authority in Daventry!

172. Five Nights At Foreclosure’s

“Eh, if you don’t pay your bills, the animatronic bankers might try to stuff you in a slum. You can imagine being pressed inside one of those things might lead to discomfort and death.”

173. Rug Legacy

My family’s been saving up for ten generations in order to pay a visit to Stanley Steamer. We’ll get these Khidr stains out one of these years!

174. Duck Nukem vs. the Quack Pack

“Damn, those pantsless sailor bastards are going to pay for shooting up my ride.”

175.  Plaque Inc: Embossed

Excessive shininess and wooden glaze have helped you to sell over 200,000,000 commemorative plaques. That’s more than the amount of people who died in the Black Death!

176. Romance of the Three Kingdoms III: The Frozen Throne

I know we’ve been trying to scale up porcelain production to raise money for Cao Cao’s armies, but this is just ridiculous!

177. Microsoft Hooters Flight Simulator

These wings aren’t just for eating.

178. Call of Duty: Medieval Warfare

I realize I’ve pulled the ‘Call of Duty’ card several times before, and that games like Chivalry exist, but how else are you going to get a fire-breathing dragon from a killstreak?

179. Risen: A Baking Story

That’s not a dungeon! It’s the world’s largest oven!

180. Yo! Sengoku And His Friends Return!

I know you call yourself the Turtle Hermit, but building turtle ships and invading Korea is a terrible idea!

And that’s why we’ll probably have a 19th installment of Bad Ideas someday. Throughout this blog’s existence, we have barely even scratched the surface of what can be, what should be, and what must not under any circumstances be allowed to exist.

Bad Ideas #17: Good Ideas #4: Art Bounties

This feature is back on the advice of one of my buddies who told me something along the lines of, “I can’t stand that gosh-accursed metal music, but I love it when you put silly captions on pictures!”. Classy fellow.

Through the magic of tangents (thanks, trig!), I eventually found myself thinking about the various bad ideas I’d posted throughout this blog’s lifetime, and thinking that I wanted to see some of these illustrated. With that in mind, here are a couple that some day, in the future, I might PAY to have illustrated.

161. Ikaaae, Zeanly, and Pigpog, the three demons of Super Mario Bros corruption
Introduce these three impish fellows to your Game Genie™, and let the fun begin as you glitch your way through over 90% of the game!
162. JPEG Warrior
Bowto th mbster of losiness!(This slogan wuz compresed wit JPEG lg0rithms)
163. Optimus Prime rib
Abbatoirbots, assemble!
164. GNU Image Manipulation Program suit
It has to be durable, especially around the… sleeves. And it also has to be open source.
165. A free hotel with every purchase of $50 or more
“Boss, aren’t you worried this might cause a lot of inflation in the long term?” “Eh, that just means people will spend more of their money here.”
166. Mario and Sonic Are Surrounded By Death at The Olympic Games
“Are you sure the Badnik toss was a good choice for an event?” “Hey, you didn’t complain about the Goomba stomp.”
167. 343 Guilty Spork
“Oh dear. This soup… it’s like a Flood to my senses!”
168. Glenn Quackmire
“Who else but Quackmire? Giggity.”
169. Dive Man’s Day Off
Hey, Cameron. If we played by the rules, Rock wouldn’t be in Wily Stage Two by now.
170. A machine that juxtaposes random concepts to make horrific abominations
Oh… you’ve figured me out! You look nice. How’s the weather where you come from?
Now that I think of it, a lot of older Bad Ideas installments are rife with opportunities for illustration. Maybe I can art-bounty those too.

Bad Ideas #16: Good Ideas #3: Game Mashups

Remember the last time I spoke of video games in the context of bad ideas? Most of those were based around mashing one popular game series with another. I can do that again, right? The difference here being that these should be made. I guess. At least some of them.

151. Europa Universalis – Mega Man
Otto Man defeated! You got no weapon, because you didn’t have a proper Casus Belli.
152. Legend of Zelda Fitzgerald
Who would’ve known that the orgiastic light at the end of the pier was part of the Triforce?
153. Dishonored 3: The Defenestration Incident
Glass production is down thirteen percent in Dunwall. That’s not good.
154. Vonnegut the Hedgehog
Faster than ICE-9 in a lake!
155. Spurious Sam: The Second Encounter
Two years ago, you turned down a date. Now, you must fight so that Mental doesn’t become Mrs. Stone!
156. Catholic Mario Bros
Taken off the markets because, apparently, communion wafers don’t cause gigantism, and only trained professionals can breathe fire from wine.
157. Tar Control III
The devs received some flack because in this installment, hardcore lung surgery simulation gave way to a glorified Transport Tycoon clone…
158. Hero Hero
Too bad you can’t eat the end results, but you’re required to log 20 hours before you can work at Blimpie.
159. Call of Doobie: Modern Rock
Bring your sound into line with 21st century production standards! Rack up huge platinum record streaks! See how close you can get to country without alienating your core fanbase!
160. Jurassic Park: Egoraptor Edition
And I asked Raptor Jesus to save me from the carnal sins of the troodons, but all he did was make bizarre faces at me!

Bad ideas, good ideas, bad ideas masquerading as good ideas, good ideas trying to use the form of bad ideas to draw more attention than they would otherwise, it gets a little silly after a while. Hopefully the end result involves entertainment.

Bad Ideas Gaiden – Everything Is Pants

Anyone ever read that snowclone meme thing where concepts are described in terms of cows? It’s nothing famous, but the same general idea has occurred here. These were all spouted out (with a few exceptions) in the course of about half an hour by me, and two friends. The first started a blog, but never ended up writing on it. The second is another ZDoomer (Not ‘GrandDracolich’); check out his web presence here.

I may occasionally update this with further examples.

Economics and Politics
CONSUMERISM: “Time to buy some pants.”
INDUSTRIALISM: “Time to make lots of pants.”
CAPITALISM: “Time to not make pants.”
FASCISM: “Time for you to wear our pants .”
SOCIALISM: “Time to make sure everyone’s wearing pants.”
COMMUNISM: “Time to share the pants.”
DECENTRALIZATION: “So we all made pants?”
MARGINALISM: “I only need one leg of pants.”
AUSTRIAN PERSPECTIVE: “We can’t say everyone’s wearing pants if everyone seems to be wearing pants.”
KEYNESIANS: “If someone’s not wearing pants, we buy them more!”

Philosophy
NATIONALISM: “PANTS! EFF YEAH!”
EXISTENTIALISM: “Time to get in some pants.”
FEMINISM: “What if we want to wear skirts instead?”
POSTMODERNISM: “Pants?”
OPTIMISM: “The pants are half full.”
MORAL RELATIVISM: “Define pants.”

The Sciences
THEORETICAL PHYSICS: “Time to make people not understand pants.”
BIOLOGY: “Time to grow some pants.”
CHEMISTRY: “Time to test that these are pants.”
GENETIC ENGINEERING: “Time to grow some better pants.”
COMPUTER SCIENCE: “#define pants”
MATHEMATICS: “Time to wear pants. I am wearing pants. Q.E.D.”

Artistry
MEDIEVALISM: “If you do not wear pants, you will burn in hell.”
SURREALISM: “My pants are melting! It must be time to overthrow the proletariat again.”
NATURALISM: “I’m not wearing any pants.”
ABSTRACT IMPRESSIONISM: “Time is pants.”
STUCKISM: “Are these a genuine Emin pair of trousers ($10,000), or a worthless fake?”
ALPHABETISM: “ANPST”

Not Recommended
SEXISM: “Women look terrible in pants.”
ANTISEMITISM: “Jewish pants are terrible.”
ANTICONFORMISM: “Shirt.”
HEDONISM: “I LOVE HOW PANTS FEEL ON MY LEGS! RARGH!”
HOMEOPATHY: “Do you have these pants in a smaller size?”

Religion
ATHEISM: “We define our own pants.”
AGNOSTICISM #1: “I’m not sure I’m wearing pants.”
AGNOSTICISM #2: “Am I wearing pants, or just underpants?”
BUDDHISM: “When you die, you shall become pants.”
SHINTOISM: “Everything is pants.”
JUDAISM: “Nobody likes our pants, even though they’re the one true pants.”
CHRISTIANITY: “Our savior wore these pants for your sins.”
CONFUCIANISM: “Respect pants.”

Pop Culture
STAR TREK: “To boldly wear pants that no man has worn before!”
STAR TREK – THE NEXT GENERATION: See Star Trek, but with spandex instead of velour.
DEATH METAL: “DEAD! YOUR PANTS ARE DEAD! FOOLS, YOUR PANTS ARE DEAD!”
MAGMA: “♫Da Pants Ẁortz Mëkanïk♫”
FEAR FACTOR: “Eat my pants.”
COMEDY: “My dog has lots of pants!”
DISCO: “Everyone on the pants floor!”
DRAMA: “This man’s pants are fraying!”
POKEMON: “Hi! I like shorts! They’re comfortable and easy to wear!”

Pickup Lines That (Probably) Won’t Work #4

Yes, these are going to be monthly. Yes, our friend Matt ‘GrandDracolich’ ProbablyhidingfromtheFBI O’rsomething keeps cranking them out. You can read the last installment (which was computer science themed) here, or visit his Youtube channel here.
31. You have a nice skull.
32. Hey baby, your name must be Ms. Shapen.
Actually, it’s Ms. Doubtfire. You must be confusing me with someone else.
33. Are you my mommy?
34. What’s your sign? Mine is ‘DANGER! Biohazardous waste!’
35. Hey baby, you look like my sister.
36. Come here often? ‘Cause I’ve followed you in here about eight times this month.
Unlikely. A man’s refractory period is quite lengthy.
37. What blood type are you? I really need to know within the next five minutes.
38. I’d invite you to my place but I… don’t really want to.
39. Wanna join my cult?
40. …and long story short, that is why I’m the most awesome person in this room.
Hey, I think Neal Stephenson just entered the bar!
Incidentally, and tangentially related to recent material, anyone who can think of a Kobaian pickup line shall be considered a god.